“Have you ever like physically felt God through you? Or have some sort of outer-body experience through religion/spiritualism? It’s a very odd/complex question, but I’ve never in my life felt close to God, and I’ve always wondered why, and if [people] actually feel, or is it just a faith thing[?]”

 
A good friend of mine messaged me the other day and asked these sets of very complexed questions. Complexed because in that very moment I didn’t know how to answer them. Although the questions were directed at me, I read them, gave a blatant response that really had nothing to do with me and then put my phone down and fell asleep. What I hadn’t known was that the very next morning those set of questions would still linger on my heart. They sat at its surface. It’s as if the Holy Spirit was trying to remind me of how far I’ve come. I sat on the bus on my way to school convicted. There were constant echoes of “do you not remember where you were a year ago?.. do you not remember the things I brought you out of?” rapidly flowing through my head. God was speaking directly to me and I could hear Him…loud and clear might I add. I fell into this emotional state but quickly gathered my thoughts, and then did something I normally wouldn’t do. I took out my phone, opened last nights conversation and I began to type…for the first time, thoughtfully, I printed my thumbs into my phone screen…I shared with him my testimony.

It was roughly October 2015. I had just spent the first five weeks of my summer exploring culture, discovering another part of Canada, and meeting new people. I was practicing my French. I followed that experience with Ottawa. After five years of moving to Edmonton, I was finally going back to the place that had raised me. It was refreshing although it wasn’t quite the place I had left. But it was nice you know? To see old friends and re-explore old places. And then I made my way to Toronto, to visit my older sister. Our relationship grew. I learnt new things. I was proud of myself.

But after what seemed like a great summer, I returned home and a couple months later I felt so emotionally out of place. At the time it made absolutely no sense to me. How did I go from joy to complete sorrow? Or was it even joy to begin with? How is it that the words of life I spoke onto myself had suddenly turned into words of destruction? I did not know.

I lacked emotion. I lacked expression. I lacked feeling in all parts of me, physical and spiritual. And I knew I couldn’t pick myself back up. I was in need of grace. I was in need of mercy. I craved love and understanding. I just needed someone’s warm embrace. It’s hard to admit but I would cry myself to sleep. Countless times. Over absolutely nothing. And I really couldn’t come up with an explanation as to whatever I was feeling. Okay, deep breath. There were even days I would refuse to get out of bed. I just felt purposeless. I felt useless. I felt unmoved, unloved. And I just couldn’t quite understand my place in this world. How is it that I, an Elders daughter, a Sunday school teacher, a member of a Bible believing church could not feel this God despite being surrounded by Him? I witnessed Him in my friends, in my family but not in myself. And I couldn’t understand why. Where had I gone wrong…

Those were definitely days filled with tests. Like literal test questions. Until one day I randomly fell upon a sermon. From Worry to Worship, check it out here. The preacher constantly stressed worship. “The only person who is attracted to dry places is the enemy. Devils walk through dry places” and I was most definitely in a dry place. It was in those days that I had realized that I had left God, way before He left me. I mean He’s been there all along, but God doesn’t entertain our rebellion. I was doing the things He didn’t want from me. I remained in my sin. I remained in my sadness. I was ungrateful. I complained all the time and I pleaded with God to do His part whilst I did absolutely nothing in return. My relationship with Him had become completely one sided.

Just like we thirst for water when we are thirsty or thirst for Him when we are in need, God wants our worship. Not because He is in need of it but because through our devotion to Him, we move closer to Him. Whatever path we’ve fallen off of, this is what returns us to Him. Worship is what He sits on. In John 4 verse 24, it says that God is a Spirit and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. God would not sit with me because I had no worship. Our worship is what gives Him a seat, and suddenly I had realized that without my worship He had no place to sit. All this time I was crying out to Him I hadn’t realized that all I was doing was trying my best to have Him sit in my complaints, in my frustrations, and in my attitudes. I wanted Him to see my life through my eyes, but I refused to see my life through His…

So, it’s in those moments when you feel completely worthless that you are actually physically experiencing the presence of God (or lack thereof because you know that He was really with you all along). That is Him trying to draw you closer. We often ask God to break us to the point where we can only turn to Him, but a good majority of us can’t even handle that. In the midst of our sorrow is when our desire is so great that we crave His presence because we know that we are in need of it. In need of His saving grace. His salvation. God shows up when we yearn for Him, when He knows He has a seat carved with His name on it. And when I had finally realized this, He showed up ten folds over. He didn’t do it right when I wanted Him to but He did it in the moments I needed Him to. Moments in which I could truly appreciate His grace and His mercies for His glory!

So, to answer your question friend…my closeness to God most definitely begins and ends with faith. It differs from person to person but my experiences first begin with my strong desire to enter His presence, to meet Him at a certain place. For it’s my willingness to feel that allows me to feel. He wants to know that I want Him. Our response and respect for God are foundational to everything else and that is why the first commandment is the first. I am not in a religion with God where I restrict Him to only certain areas of my life. I am in a relationship with Him which means He is welcome to every part of my heart and life. He influences everything. When God is truly the only One I worship, according to His Word, I am promised that every other part of my life will take its rightful place.

 Count it all joy, my brothers [and sisters] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1: 2-4

This article is re-posted with permission (www.burningwithdesire.ca).